Colorado Springs, Colorado - Dog the Bounty Hunter had just returned from his twice-daily visit to the tanning salon when someone tried to murder him. In an ideal world all reality TV stars would get either stabbed, shot, or thrown into a tank of psychotic wombats which have somehow developed a taste for human flesh.

When asked how he and his family avoided the whizzing bullets, Chapman said that he’d raised his huge mullet into a protective-shield mode where he, Duane, Leland, Baby Lyssa and Tim were safe. The film crew was able to take shelter behind one of Mrs. Chapman’s zeppelin-sized bosoms.

Giving a run-down of the fugitive’s criminal past, Dog said, “The first time this guy was arrested he stole a calendar and got twelve months. He was also arrested for shooting someone with a BB gun, but the case ended up in a pellet court...” At this point Beth screamed, “Shut up Duane!”

Here is the Police Blotter entry:

Incident Date April 21, 2009 Time 7:15:00 PM Division Sand Creek Shift II
Title Other Location 3617 E Unitah

Summary On 4/21/2009 at approximately 1915 hrs., Sand Creek officers were dispatched to a disturbance at Galley Apartments, 3617 E Uintah.
Information received was that bail bondsman Bobby Brown and TV personality Duane Chapman were attempting to apprehend an individual on a bond revocation.
As officers were in route, information was received that the wanted person, Hoang Nguyen, age 35, had fired at least one shot from a handgun at the bondsman and then fled the area on a motorcycle.
The suspect is described as an Asian male, somewhat bald, 5-08, 172 lbs, black hair and brown eyes.
Initial reports also indicate that the bondsman were armed with paintball guns and did fire them at the scene. Initial reports were that they were armed with “machineguns.”
Numerous onlookers had gathered around the scene making the investigation difficult.
There were no reported injuries.